Today I have the pleasure of introducing you to a fellow friend and blogger Nora Nur. Nora empowers women through relationship advice. She gives dating advice to help singles build confidence, learn dating strategies and clearly define their partnership needs, in order to attract and maintain happy, healthy, lasting relationships. You can read more of her articles at lovefromtheotherside.com
Sometimes we all “do way too much” to disguise and ignore our overwhelming fears. Fear of deserving, fear of exposing ourselves and fear of failure are our biggest barriers to finding love- Nora Nur
The most embarrassing dating feedback I’ve ever gotten was from my doorman. A year of small talk encounters and subtle observations had collectively made my doorman a bit too comfortable and in my business. It was Valentine’s Day and I was walking through the lobby with a 4 ft x 6 ft painting.
“Look”, I said proudly. “I made this for my boyfriend”.
“It’s really nice”. the doorman replied. “But….”.
“But what?” I asked. “Just say it”.
“It’s just… do you ever think that maybe you’re doing too much?”
“No”. I thought…
I delivered that painting to my boyfriend, he loved it and one month later we were broken up.
He had a fixation with minimum incomes, 80k was the magic number and I wasn’t hitting it. Having grown up in poverty, he had decided that he was never going to settle down with a woman who he felt was living his fear of poverty. At the time, I was only making about 36k a year. I was an entrepreneur supplementing my income by driving an afterschool pick up van. I wasn’t always proud of my hustles, but they were MY hustles. Still I wasn’t making 80k, and this was his requirement for taking me and our relationship seriously. Money, How Much Does It Matter in a Relationship
Being broke during those years sucked. But what was worse was the constant affirmation of my belief that being broke meant I was less valuable. I studied the business women downtown with their perfect manicures, pressed skirt suits and sleek haircuts. I asked myself how much were they earning? What kind of men did they date? He had added another insecurity to the list of my many complexes. So, for years, I struggled through dating making, bad decisions as reactions to my deeply rooted insecurities and fears.
FEAR OF DESERVING
My fear of deserving started just after high school after I tactlessly broke up with a wonderful high school boyfriend. The fact that knowing what I wanted and acting on it, caused someone so much pain created a sense of undeserving. I just knew that I was going to be punished for hurting him that way. Some 10 years later, the guilt of that first break-up, still had me feeling like I’d never find a good guy again. Why did I deserve a second chance at love? That belief about my inability to find true love, crippled my decision making, detoured my actions and caused me “to do too much”. Disposable Love
Pause for a moment. Be critical of yourself. Have you done something you aren’t proud of? Did you break someone’s heart? Did your relationship or marriage end because you messed up? Are you holding to the guilt of it?
Understand this, life is about making mistakes and messing up. Maybe you can’t undo what’s been done, and that undoubtedly hurts. But how long are you going to punish yourself for this wrongdoing? How long will you continue to believe that you don’t deserve happiness? Decide today that you have learned from that past mistake, that you have grown and that you aren’t that person anymore. Believe that, despite your human imperfectness, or past mistakes, you have inner and outer beauty to share. It’s ok to know what you want and go after it.
It is your divine right to love and be loved.
FEAR OF EXPOSING YOURSELF
My second stifling fear was a fear of exposing myself. Being broke made me feel vulnerable. I had been competitive all my life. I thought I was a Rockstar, but the challenges of entrepreneurship, recession and my poverty terrified ex-boyfriend made me feel like a broke hustler.
I have never had trouble meeting guys. On first dates, we’d small talk and they’d leave fascinated by my passion for art and interest in worldly things. But by the third date, the mystique faded and I felt exposed for the broke hustler that I was. I just assumed after a series of failed third dates that the “real me” had been discovered and this was why my suitor lost interest.
More insecurities to overcome. However, it never occurred to me that, not all guys like high maintenance girls or care about an 80k salary. Many guys respect the hustle and can admire a hard-working woman trying to further herself as an entrepreneur. It was my lack of confidence that blew all those third dates. It was the fact that I was filling every conversation with subtle apologies for my perceived inadequacies. “I apologize for the way I look today. I’ve been hustlin’ all day’. Wait, What?
In relationships, I was so weary of being exposed. So, I overcompensated by gift giving, elaborate date planning, ego boosting and constantly trying to prove how great I was. I was auditioning for the role of wife when I should have been interviewing for the position of husband.
How about you? Do you doubt your greatness because you’re fixated on your flaws or where you think you should be in life? Is money, beauty, your job, your education level, or something else making you feel less than? Why do you feel this way?
As BeThatWoman writes in her article Get the Change You Desire by Speaking a New Message we receive a lot of false messaging as children and it can subtly seep in and influence our value system for years to come. But you can change these beliefs. You can change it by taking back your time. The time you spend investing in the betterment of your temporary partner is time you could spend investing in the betterment of yourself. Are you Investing in the Right Person?
You don’t need to fear exposing your true self, because your true self is exactly what “true” someone is looking for. We don’t need to change to find a partner. We simply need to love who we are, and “BE THAT WOMAN”.
FEAR OF FAILURE
My last big barrier was a fear of failure. What if I believed I deserved love, I exposed my truest self, I gave the relationship an honest un-sabotaged effort and it still didn’t work. The answer is this, IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN! You will most certainly have several situations where you don’t mess it up. Where you don’t get in your own way. You are amazing, but it just doesn’t work. That other person just decides you aren’t the match that fits for them.
But here’s the thing….you only need one match. This isn’t a game of Go Fish where the goal is to make the most matches. Before I got married, none of my relationships worked. My batting average was awful! But those averages and stats mean nothing in dating. All that matters is the one that works. And we must keep trying until we find it. With every situation that doesn’t work you are gathering more information to help you figure out what will work.
FINAL THINGS TO REMEMBER
- Don’t overshare with your doorman!
- It is your divine right to love and be loved.
- Love who you are and BE THAT WOMAN, fearlessly!
- Invest in yourself and your personal development first.
- Don’t audition for the “wife” role. Interview for the position of husband.
- Expect failed relationships and be grateful for the information gathered that aids you in finding your future awesome partner.
Sharing is caring! I can’t wait to read your opinions on this topic. What advice can you share about getting past the fears that are barriers to love? What has been your personal experience?
This post was written by Nora Nur of LoveFromtheOtherSide.com
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